There comes a time where you just have to admit that you are in pieces. As much as I would try to hold it together during the day at night the tears just came streaming down my face. The road to recovery with my relationship with God will take work but how can it work when I am clearly broken. My heart feels heavy because I am holding on to issues that have hurt me and caused me disappointment, my mind can’t help but think and reminisce about all the mistakes I made causing me to feel the way I do now.
The heavy heart analogy makes sense to me because I thought about it like the more pieces there are the heavier the load will get. All that anger, offence, bitterness, disappointment and so forth will accumulate and weigh your heart down. If my heart is weighed down by all these things instead of focusing on the One who can heal and restore me then its just gonna get long. Instead of focusing on the things of God, I will be indulging in myself. How can God use me for the good of His kingdom if I am too busy focusing on MY needs, MY worries when in actual fact I should be casting all of those things unto Him (Psalm 55:2; 1 Peter 5:7; Proverbs 16:3). In all honesty I can’t move forward if I keep dwelling in the past and if my mindset is the same as before
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”
2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV
“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”
Romans 12:2 KJV
I was inspired to write this post after reading through Psalm 51. I was feeling really down and thinking lots of negative thoughts about myself a with tears streaming down. Psalm 51:10 was running through my mind so I was curious and wanted to understand the context of it so I read through the whole of Psalm 51. I must admit that passage was the word that I needed at that very moment in time.
“Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.”
Psalm 51:7-13 KJV
In essence, Psalm 51 was basically David repenting to God and pleading for forgiveness after committing adultery with Bathsheba. He acknowledged that he was wrong and he genuinely wanted God to forgive him for his ways and I love how in verse 13 he makes reference to him being able to reach out to transgressors and have sinners be converted to God! It struck me due to the fact that despite David’s mistakes and sins he is still referred to as a man after God’s heart. This really encouraged me to stop putting myself down and just cry out to God asking for forgiveness for my sins and mistakes. I know for a fact that I want to be used by God to do something that will benefit His kingdom. This lead me to the realisation that if I want to be a woman after God’s heart from the current state I am in then
- Renew my MIND and focus on the things of God
- Allow God to fix my HEART so that I can constantly desire to please Him
- Ensure my MIND and HEART are on the same page
Like Romans 12:2 mentions when you begin to renew your mind you begin to transform in such a way that you are able to discern and identify the will of God whilst also not conforming to the standards of world (we are in the world but not of it!). By getting in the Word, you begin to have a different mindset of this life we are living and it will make you want to change your thought pattern to be aligned with God’s will because eventually heaven and earth will fade away but the Word of God will still remain (Matthew 24:35). Think about it like this, you want a 1st class or 2:1 so you have your mind made up that you are gonna go get it. So instead of being lazy and being stagnant you put in those shifts in the library and keep grafting in order for you to achieve it right? It should be the same with out walk with God so setting your mind on the word of God you will have a desire to “chase it” after it as a means to apply it to your life. Colossians 3:1-2 and Philippians 4:8-9 both make reference to the fact that we should set our minds on the things above i.e things of God in heaven
“If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God; Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.”
“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9
Again, we in the world but not of it! In Colossians 3:5, Paul then goes on to say that we should put to death earthly fleshy things but instead put on things such as kindness, humility, meekness and long-suffering (Colossians 3:12). Therefore, we should meditate on these things so that God’s word dwells in us as He teaches us and makes His ways known to us whilst we strive to pursue and embody these characteristics. I remember one preaching I heard in my first year of university where the pastor said “Pursuit is the evidence of desire”. At the time it made so much sense but I didn’t look further into it until now but it reminded me of the lyrics of “As The Deer”
As the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after thee
You alone are my heart’s desire
And I long to worship thee
It makes sense like if you desire something deep down in your heart you are gonna go and pursue it one way or the other whether it be a degree or a boy (don’t chase after guys ladies he is meant to find you word to @JadeneAngela). Again, it should be the same with our walk with God, a deep desire to please God and fulfill your given purpose you will pursue the path to live according to God’s will. Having said that it is essential that we guard and keep our hearts diligently because have to be careful what we let in because allowing negative things in such as lust, selfishness and so on can have an impact on what we think about and on what we desire in out hearts and ultimately what comes out of our mouths and our actions (Proverbs 4:23; James 1:21; Matthew 15:18). This can throw you off course from the path God has set aside for you. Instead of going straight from A to C you know have to force a pit stop at point B. All is not lost though submit your ways to Him and He will make your crooked path straight leading you right towards point C (Isaiah 45:2; Luke 3:5; Psalm 37:5). Imagine you let in a guy you think is “the one” in doing so you begin to get slack in your walk with God or like myself I was playing the part because I will lead and sing week in week out then next thing I was having lustful thoughts! My mouth was singing of His praises but my heart was in a dark confused place. I was basically doing things for God in vain with no substance and meaning. What’s the point because there is only so far I would have gone in my lukewarm behaviour! My heart was not 100% in God, my mind was not 100% in the Word of God that’s why I felt so far away from Him. I wasn’t focused on Him and His plan at all but rather I spent too much of my thinking time on whether this guy was gonna make it official instead of meditating in the official word that God has provided. It was my heart’s desire to please this guy and “open up” to him so he can take take take when I should have been desiring to open up to God and allow Him to pour into me.WELL I THANK GOD FOR CORRECTION AND HIS LOVE
“Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.”
Psalm 51:1-6 KJV
That is why reading Psalm 51 that night was a major reality check and really was/is relevant to my current circumstance. I knew I made some very silly decisions and I was left feeling regret because in doing so I was being fake with my walk with God but I really wanted to get right with Him and get another chance to do it the right way no distractions and no compromises.
“Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.”
Psalm 51:14-19 KJV
I have learnt from all this that your heart and mind need to be on the same page when it comes to the things of God so that your relationship with God can grow. I see this whole “80/20 rule” when it comes to relationships with people and how you shouldn’t out much effort into it so that you don’t get hurt and what not. Well this does not apply to God because believe me when I tell you if you do not put in 100% into your relationship with Him you will be hurt by the world. However, unlike man, God will STILL step in to fix that pain and hurt you are feeling if you simply spend time with God and allow him to work in you and soften your hard heart so that you will be a blessing and example of how God can change someone from the inside out. Instead of condemning yourself all you need to do is repent to hear His voice guiding and directing you if you feel like you are far away from Him. I don’t ever want to feel like my praises to God are empty and lacking substance.
So for all those reading this that may be experiencing the same feelings as me or anything similar as I am writing Lord renew our hearts and refresh our spirits so that we am truly able to focus on the things that please You and not ourselves. It is not about us but it is about You.