I have been delaying this post and topic for a while but I think it’s time for me to share some of the things that have been crossing my mind lately about relationships and sex. Yes, we are going there! I will keep it real this area of my life has been a struggle and cause of conflict in my walk with God. It’s been like an Achilles’ heel for me.
Whenever the topic of relationships and bae comes up whether it be with my friends, my sister and even my Mum I try to brush it off and say I am content in my singleness. Don’t get me wrong I am HOWEVER let me be real I know deep down that I eventually want to get married and raise up a new generation but how can I get there without being in a serious relationship/courtship. Especially when your mother has been dropping hints about grandchildren disguised as bants lol I just play it cool and say I am facing my books.
I am at the point in my life now where the concept of “getting to know” a new guy is a bit long purely because I know how I can be like in those “situations”. It starts off nice and calm and then gets to that stagnant point ultimately leading to a waste of time and frustration. A consistently bad history with males and situations has left bitter taste in my mouth to the point I am screaming “men are trash” on Twitter *sighs* I have asked myself questions like will I ever get married? Why aren’t there any serious guys? Is something wrong with me that no guy wants to commit? In the midst of my frustration I hear a soft voice tell me that men are actually not trash just because of my consistently below par experiences it is clear that there still needs to be a little bit of healing which only God can provide me.
More importantly, my relationship with God is important to me so more time I just want to stay away and allow God to be my foundation and focus. When a “potential” eventually comes my way I will not want anything to distract me from my God set task because again I will be real, I have been guilty of allowing situationships become an idol. As much as I like the idea of being in a serious relationship (not these time-wasting shenanigans called situationships) am I really able to accommodate a man and be a help-meet to him? At this point I pray handing over the matter of my future spouse to God for Him to deal with whilst I occupy my mind on myself and Him. Sometimes comparison and preeing my friends that are getting baed up sneaks in but then the same soft voice assures me my time is coming but I should stay focused on God and making sure I am fulfilling the purpose He has for me. This is the perfect time for me to be preparing and learning what is required of me as a wife, mother and a genuine example to younger women from the bible (Titus 2:3-5, Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5: 22-24 are some examples). Also, I fully need to stop making future plans in my mind when a guy starts pursuing me whatever his intentions may be or when I see a fine brother in the Lord lol. I especially have the tendency to do this with Igbo men lol because I like the idea of an Igbo husband and little Chisaras and Nnamdis running around the house. Then I deep it that marriage and having children is a serious lifelong commitment and not something to be taken lightly. The day I become a Mum I will have a responsibility for that other life; basically being a signpost to God for that child. They will be looking up to me and I need to ensure they are brought up correctly and go down the right path (Ephesians 6:4 & Proverbs 22:6). Then I stop the dreaming and tell myself to take time.
Now I have been told I that my standards are quite high so I myself want to make sure I am bringing similar things of substance to the table. Personally, there is nothing wrong with having standards and never allow a guy to make me feel like they are too high and unattainable. It’s okay if a guy doesn’t meet my standards because I am only trying to be the wife to ONE man. Right now I am all about being clear and not settling for just any guy who shows interest. God HAS to be the centre and if a man does not share that same view with me I’m not compromising my standing with God he can go and find his happiness elsewhere. I also will not rely on a bae for my salvation and to be the one connecting to God, I need to work that out for myself boy (Philippians 2:12). Having said I can’t settle for a guy who isn’t serious about his own salvation.
On the subject of situationships, ladies please if a man mentions anything about “going with the flow” just delete it! After many situationships I know that none of that wahala is what I want in my life. Those situations have shined my eyes to what I do not want especially if you know deep down he doesn’t know what the flow is. From personal experience, I am not compatible with a guy who just wants to dilly dally with no clear intention or end goal. How can I be a help-meet if you don’t know where you are going or what you are doing? Plus, if intentions are not made clear at the beginning it will basically turn into two blind people trying to saunter along to an unknown destination. My good sister friend Chrystal once said to me in her accounting terms about “analysing the risk”. I laughed at first but her logic registered and made sense because relationships are sort of like investments. You invest your time to make it work and it gets to the point where you begin to put pride aside to allow the other person to reach you. As much as I am not necessarily ready for my marriage, the idea of non-serious relations doesn’t agree with me. Not one bit. Not around here mate. All I ask and want is for a man to let his intentions be known from the start so that I don’t begin to feel like you are flopping between two ideals or even worse selling dreams. For real, guys if you know that you are not ready for a relationship with a girl leave her alone! Don’t act like a boyfriend and expect her to do girlfriend or even wife things for you if you know in your heart she’s not the one bro. Ladies if you know you are not ready to settle down with a serious man leave him alone! Let him go and find the love of his life.
Overall, I honestly have to tell myself sometimes to never doubt my worth, I am special and someone’s helpmeet. As much as I would one day like to be married it’s not the main priority but now is the time for me to focus on how I can grow and be a strong woman of God and remember not to settle for just anyone.
I hope you all stay blessed and stay tuned for Part 2! xo