Who have I been kidding? Since my last blog post the battle with sexual purity has been wild! I’ve even fallen down on a few occasions to the point where I am now in the same mind state I was at 2 years ago. I feel like I have gone so far
I will be a liar if I said that sexual purity is easy because it’s not. We have these inmate desires that we ultimately should be explored within the confinements of marriage but I will be honest and keep it real. I can admit there have been times where I want to explore these desires BUT I know that I really shouldn’t and can’t because I am still single. There are times I would like a “bae” in my life to spend time with and that will love me using my love languages and appreciate all I have to offer. I will be honest, I small small miss the presence of a manly figure that is more than a friend for me to send cute selfies to. However with my previous track record of relationships and shenanigans, it is clear that I need to stay well away from men in that manner and just keep it platonic. I have had some crazy thoughts go through my mind clearly from the enemy such as “there’s nothing wrong with having sex you may end up in a long term relationship” or even to become a savage and just use a man to satisfy my needs as compensation for the times I have been hurt. None of the above are okay and acceptable especially since I am desiring a life long marriage that pleases God. There is no way that I can be the help meet that a Godly man needs because of my current heart state. Psalm 51 has been running through my mind since May to the point now I feel like my heart needs to be absolutely wiped clean from the inside out. If a good man was to come into my life now in my current state I will either push him away or potentially ruin him and that is not cool!
To the matter of sexual purity, I honestly thought I was alone but after seeking counsel from my good sister friends those who are virgins and those who are not, the sexual desires and the path to sexual purity is a bumpy one. But particularly for those who have had sex already but let me tell you since May it’s as if I take 2 steps forward and then several steps back.. After my latest shenanigan it is obviously clear to me that sex and I do not mix no matter how good it feels in the moment and no matter how much I want to potentially experiment and explore the sexuality that God has given me. It is a clear sign when I am reduced to an emotional wreck the day after and also when my body is never really able to fully relax during the course of intercourse anyway. That alone is a sign that maybe just maybe I Chi should not be getting involved in that stuff. I was afraid to write this post because I feel like sometimes within the church there is pressure for women to get it together when it comes to sexual purity and that they should have I on lock and that it’s not okay for them to be free and liberal like a man however I am here to tell you the want and desires are very much real for women don’t be fooled! This fruit of self control requires discipline and it’s certainly not exclusive for just women alone sha.
One thing I have also been learning about myself and my oath of sexual purity for the past couple of months is that I should never have to feel the need to compromise my desire and plan to be celibate to appease and make a guy comfortable or even worse see it as the gateway for us to actually become a couple and have a relationship (sounds very weird I know lol). I feel as though for the past 5 years I have been hurting myself and repeating a nonsense cycle of shenanigans because of my desire for an intimate relationship to transpire into marriage. I never thought that I would struggle with looking for love in the wrong place and even tying the act of sex to it but alas here I am. Enough is enough! I can’t I can’t come and kill myself all because a guy who is not compatible for me spiritually wants to express small interest. My heart has become hardened to the idea of love and the act of sexual sin has not made this any easier in fact my heart is even more harder to the point that I can’t see myself opening up to even my eventual husband because I am scared that he will just put me to the side after the act of sex and coming together is over. Hence the necessity for me to refrain from any shenanigans to get my spiritual life up to where it needs to be. These detours I have put myself on will be a part of my testimony and journey to the strong woman of God that I know that I have been called to be. That’s the thing when you know deep down that you have a serious purpose in life you can’t just be wasting your time and being distracted for anybody especially someone who is not even going to be a a permanent part of your life.
And on that note, I want to leave with this, this journey of sexual purity is not easy however it cannot be an excuse to be trapped in a cycle that is hindering your growth and connection to God. And as much as these desires arise I cannot just act on them for the sake of it and for whatever nonsense reason to try and justify the wants of my flesh. No matter what glow that guy has given me it’s really not worth my spiritual and emotional health (plus that glow doesn’t not compare to the glow that God provides!) Prevention is better than cure and it will save of lot of shenanigans from trying to disturb your life and hustle.
This is my truth and me being transparent about issues that have been affecting me lately. The road towards moving forward will not be easy but I simply just can’t give up now. Situationships and shenanigans right now are a hindrance for me so it’s best I stay well away and not entertain anything. Having sex is also something’s that doesn’t agree with me so I need to abstain and stay away from all that too until God’s proposed time. I honestly thank God for the circle of friends around me that correct me and are never afraid to be transparent with me love you all ❤