“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”
Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV)
Hello all, it has been a long time since I have done a post like this but there are times in life where you have to take time out and evaluate all areas of your life. For the past few months, I have really had to evaluate my walk with God simply because I have been going in the opposite direction away from him. I have really felt the need to go back to the drawing board and really pray (and fast) about why I have been drifting away.
There are days I wonder where was the zeal I once had and why have I allowed the flame to burn out. Have you ever felt like you are being stagnant whilst life is just moving around you? As in like a line of defenders that get caught back watching and before you know it a player from the opposite team is now through on goal and even worse have now scored. The month of April in particular highlighted for me that you know what Chi not only have I passively spectating instead of making moves especially with my walk but when I have decided to “make moves” it has been in the complete opposite direction to where I need to be. I have basically been doing a Jonah instead of going to where I need to be. I have been elsewhere doing things I shouldn’t even be involved in. I feel the way I feel because I have been neglecting my relationship with God and focusing on myself and my desires (the good and not so good).
Throughout all of this He has still been faithful and loved me but I have acknowledged that I am my own obstacle and that I am not pulling my weight in my relationship. What do I need to do? Well I need to pray more, read my bible more, meditate on His promises more, and spend more time with Him. When I have done all these things before I kid you not I had all types of energy to run my race with endurance. There were been plenty of obstacles but I was still filled up enough to conquer them. Psalm 119, although a lengthy psalm, is packed with knowledge and home truths about meditating in the word of God and the importance of doing so. The notion of meditating on His statutes and precepts is a recurring theme throughout the psalm and especially in this particular season that I am in these particular notion spoke to me in volumes simply because I haven’t been doing so as much as I should be.
I have also had to be real and get to the root of why I always seem to find myself going in cycles when it comes to relationships. I mean it gets to the point where I am hurting myself because I know this situation isn’t beneficial to me long term yet here I am trapped and succumbing to temptation when I can just simply flee. The more I keep going through the same old mess, the harder my heart can/may become. I mean I am grateful to even be in this position where I had to say enough is enough. Why do we do it? Go back to that person/people we know are no good for us. All I know is this cycle needs to stop because I don’t want to miss out on anything/anyone God has planned for me to be in my life because of it. Jonathan McReynolds’ song Cycles completely encompasses what I have been going through however the part where he incorporated “Break Every Chain” by Tasha Cobbs got me. I mean yes we slip up and mess up but does that mean that is who we are and destined to be for all eternity? Absolutely not! To be honest I hold 2 Corinthians 5:17 close to my heart in times like this
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)
My friend forwarded me a sermon called “Follow Me” available on Apple Podcasts and I resonated with it on a personal level because I can relate. I can relate to Peter being someone who was once in a position of being close to Jesus but because of one thing (or a couple of things) find yourselves following from a distance because of your relationship. Also, making promises to God on not doing something but then breaking them until it hits you deep well after the fact. Deep down in my heart, I have a passion and love for God but I have found myself so far away that I am not very intentional with following God closely. I want to be a strong woman of influence but for some reason I have been shying away from this. However, there is always a chance and opportunity to get it together and start again. I know there are certain habits I need to adopt and others that need to get dropped so I can move forward instead being stuck in the same place and position.
I am in need of a makeover like David needed in Psalm 51. I never want to be so far away that I can no longer feel His spirit. I also don’t ever want to be in a position that my heart is far away but I am simply doing lip service (Matthew 15:8 and Isaiah 29:13). Therefore I know I have to seek him with my whole heart like Jeremiah 29:13 states. I am so grateful for the fact that God has still show Himself to me even when I have been turning away and neglecting our relationship. The love God has for me is unmatched and like no other. Going back to the basics on why and how I started my walk with God, I know and believe that He is my source and the one who fills me up. I need to stop relying on my own might and ability to direct my life to do so but instead trust in Him with all of my heart. I also need to be more intentional when it comes to me seeking Him and that I am doing it with my whole heart not just a fraction. I want to be closer to God again like I was before and that means allowing Him to work on me to let some things (and maybe people) go. It means spending more time in His word and with to Him so that I start drawing near to him so he can do the same (James 4:8). I should no longer operate with a one foot in one foot out mentality. I am responsible for my actions and the choices I make to satisfy my flesh or please the Spirit. So again going all the way back to basics includes understanding the nature of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and the whole battle between flesh and spirit. Most importantly, I need to have more discipline when it comes to guarding my heart because everything I do all the matters of my life flow from it (Proverbs 4:23). What I meditate my heart on and how I allow things to enter my heart and even mind can have implications on how I approach matters and also how I act. I also understand that there are certain things I want to stop that may seem impossible but deep down I know are possible with help from the Holy Spirit and God.
Until next time
Chi xo
