Hello all, today I am here to expand on a topic I started speaking about on my guest post “It’s Not You” on The Real Talk Blog. I briefly gave details of my initial thoughts and feelings about my recent relationship breakup but I’ve decided to be transparent and dig deeper as to how I’ve really been feeling mentally, spiritually and emotionally and the things I have been doing to facilitate the healing process.
Initially, what I thought was due to an “it’s not you, it’s me and my personal problems” upon further digging on social media (which I shouldn’t have done I know) turned out to be far from that. In particular, a woman I was told not to worry about and that he would “never go back to”. This said woman previously approached me during the dating stage about my ex being her “boyfriend” and the possibility of her thinking she is pregnant and other accusations such as him speaking to prostitutes, using sex websites, speaking to Americans for sex with a burner Twitter account and how he was dating 6/7 girls the month we started dating. Bear in mind, all of this was going on during her “relationship” with him. She even uttered the strong words of “Btw I promise you this is over with me and him and I will never EVERRRRRRRRR want him back” in a text message after sending me plethora of seemingly incriminating screenshots. The only thing that amounted from this whole exchange is that he lied about the timing regarding the termination of their relations whilst we started dating to the point I had confronted him about lying to me before finally confessing.
In all honesty, initial sadness of the break up quickly dissipated to anger and wanting to seek vengeance for always having to turn the other cheek whilst a man disrespects me and takes advantage of my understanding nature. However, in the long run, screaming and shouting or even physically fighting a man who has a complex relationship with the truth will amount to nothing. What is done is done right? If anything I am now very grateful for the fact that I am free from such a deceitful individual.
However, I can put my hand up and say that certain choices I made in hindsight weren’t the best. For a start, giving someone a second chance during the dating stage after I found out he had lied when that was the perfect opportunity for me to end things. Yet I didn’t because I liked him enough and I was scared to start the whole dating and getting to know process again. Instead of being firm with the fact I wanted my space to assess the tomfoolery on his part, my decision to continue things was partially swayed with a bold action on his part to come to my house late at night to ask for forgiveness and show he is “serious”. However, I know in the moment I made that decision because of the hope that I wasn’t going to throw away something good but nonetheless it’s a lesson to be learnt. There is no man (or penis) on this earth that is worth subjecting myself to compromising and settling for someone who has the potential to take advantage of me giving them another chance.
My friends, family and even work colleagues noticed that something changed with my persona and that I’m going through something. This emotional roller coaster I’ve been on has pushed me to put an end to this cycle of dysfunction when it comes to relationships by whatever means necessary something I touched upon in my Back to Basics post.
Talking About It
At first, I felt embarrassed speaking about it because of how highly I spoke about him and the fact that I am no longer in a relationship. I was also scared of sounding soft for being so emotional and mentally messed up about it all but every single person I have confided including my parents have assured me that they will be there for me. To my surprise, a few of my friends have been in similar situations even with the inclusion of another woman but they have healed and moved forward which gives me immense hope. Also talking about it allows me not to internalise it and deal with it all on my own. I believe that it is good to confide in your friends and family about your issues so you are not alone just over thinking yourself into a mentally drained rut. As the days have passed by, me talking about it no longer brings on an immense feeling to cry but I’m at the middle ground where I have accepted the situation for what it is. I’ve accepted it to the point that I acknowledge the fact it’s for the best that the relationship is over because I had my random thoughts of the fear that I was settling with him. This wasn’t because he was a terrible person but the fact that I was always aware that he had the capability to be selectively honest with me and lacked communication skills sometimes. I have to be honest with my feelings and not rush the process and also I cannot allow others to dictate if it is hurting you no matter the length of the relationship. On that note, if you expressing your disgust at your previous relationship is bugging someone like their new “partner” they should take it to the altar you are free to say what you want when you want and for however long you want!
Focusing on Me
This seems pretty obvious but keeping my mind occupied doing the things I love like blogging, going out to eat and travelling have been a tremendous help in keeping my mind off the situation. Now, this certainly isn’t easy because every now and again my mind wanders towards reliving and thinking about the disrespect and the sheer pretentiousness of it all. However, breaks ups from relationships and even friends happen all the time but after listening to a sermon titled “Potential of Pain” sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick (Elevation Church) something really stood out to me that was really quite profound. People may leave you and hurt you however God said that he will NEVER leave or forsake me so why do I need to worry? God was here before my relationship, during my relationship and certainly after it so in essence, all will be well in the end.
I am open enough to share the fact that this situation prompted me to finally go to therapy. It was my initial plan to do so before entering my next relationship however I got sidetracked and was prideful with saying ”I don’t need it because I’ve found someone”; we live and we learn I guess. I’m so glad I have finally taken the step to do so and in all honesty, it’s one of the best decisions I have made thus far. Speaking to a professional in the area of psychotherapy who is able to help you pinpoint your thought patterns and mannerisms is huge in terms of me evolving from this. This is my way of saying enough is enough and the dysfunction stops here. It’s also my way of acknowledging that I certainly do need to better myself because I never have been perfect and there are things about myself that need to change. I refuse to enter another situation holding onto baggage and thus potentially ruining someone else emotionally and mentally. I am also coming to terms with the fact that there are certain fears I hold on to whilst dating hence why I end up tolerating nonsense for much longer than necessary. One profound thing I have gained from my therapy sessions is the idea if I decide to leave a situation when it goes wrong it doesn’t mean that the next man I encounter will be just as bad or not the right man for me. So far I am glad that my therapist is an understanding woman who can empathise with me however is frank with me about the way I speak about myself and what’s going on with me. I am beginning to dig deeper and understand why I say the things I say and think the way I think when it comes to relationships.
Now I will always talk about how my relationship with God and my faith gets me through tough times. I wish I didn’t leave it to get to this point but instead was being consistent with prayer and spending time with God throughout the whole ordeal. I shouldn’t have to wait until I’m at the point of being broken to go to Him with a desire to do it every day. Having said that, reflecting on His promises for me have been a way for me to lift up my head. The period of anger I was gently reminded of Romans 12:9 that it’s not up to me to get revenge but instead leave the situation to God to deal with and handle. Secondly, I am also reminded of Hebrews 13:5 that God will never leave me or forsake me even with my flaws and issues so why should I beat myself up about someone leaving me. I know and believe deep down that after a while my mind won’t even be on this situation however I can’t afford have to rush the process but instead trust in God’s timing for my healing. I need to firm the decisions I made that lead me to stay with my chest and let go of any pride that may hinder God from working on me. I also value peace meaning that if being with a man doesn’t have a sense of peace but confusion then I don’t want it!
Funnily enough, this hasn’t skewed my view on men as a whole however I need to make sure I’m fully good before I encounter such good people. I have to focus on me and keep my head high as I move forward because I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.
Until next time