Disclaimer: I have to put this from the get-go the fact that this doesn’t apply to all men however I am addressing the things that I see other women experience and also what I have personally experienced. I am also aware that not only men behave this way but again I am addressing this from the viewpoint as a woman.
Hello all, today I want to touch upon the fact that I am sick and tired of constantly seeing on social media and offline that somehow women are to blame for when a man’s actions.
Firstly, this narrative of predominantly us women as a whole gender failing to take accountability needs to go back to the pits it came from. Failing to take accountability for your actions isn’t specific to gender however it’s audacious for men to state this when they fail to do so after being checked and called out for their wayward behaviour. A man will be called for his behaviour towards a woman/group of women and instead of owning your mess and aiming to rectify the damage you have potentially caused, the first point of call is to try and rationalise why you made such a mistake. Some of the classics include age; other men your age haven’t partaken in such harmful behaviour do they have two heads? Why must women’s feelings be messed with all in name of a man growing up? We need to stop allowing men to be apathetic with their apologies when they’ve been called out for reckless behaviour towards women under the guise of they were young and didn’t know any better.
The damaging nature of this narrative extends to when a man has taken part in crimes/violence against women; albeit online or in the physical realm. The common “boys will be boys” narrative gets chucked out in such serious instances like rape and sexual assault which is quite frankly insulting towards the victim and their family. One day these “boys” grow up to be men and even fathers so this enabling of their reckless behaviour because of their gender is nonsensical. The same men that will demand respect as the head of the home but are unable to face the consequences for their crimes against women because they are boys? Make it make sense.
Gaslighting
Manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.
Narcissism
Selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality typeBoth from Oxford Dictionary
So I’m speaking from experience here! I’ve been on the receiving end of a man that has chosen to display narcissism and gaslighting as tactics to absolve himself from all responsibility of how his actions led to our confrontation. It’s not fair that you attempt to make out as if it’s solely my fault or that I am crazy or that I am the one that directly provoked you. You’re a grown man and you said what you said so own it with your chest. The way I see it, if a man results to gaslighting or narcissism he is coward that’s unable to take accountability for his actions and wants to hide now that he has been called out for it. You made a conscious decision to act like that so you better just own it (and hopefully change your wayward ways).
A side note for the narcissists (whether it’s knowingly or unknowingly), no matter how much you try to absolve yourself from the guilt you feel you’ve done what you’ve done period! And one day if what you did was against the law, you will face the consequences for your actions being bars; see how they are finishing R Kelly your time can come any day. Also, at least try to display some appropriate etiquette if you have an epiphany causing you to want to reconcile with the other party (from my Peace, Closure and Apologies post). It is better to remain silent and let the guilt consume you than to fashion a subpar disingenuous apology where you fail to acknowledge how exactly your actions have hurt that person. I would much rather not hear from you again so I can move on in peace knowing that I will not hear an apology than for you to insult my intelligence with a fake apology to make yourself feel better. To me, a disingenuous apology shows me that you are aware of your tomfoolery and it’s just like you’re trying to talk yourself out of it feeling like the villain. Now I thoroughly believe that God is capable of changing people from the inside out hence the necessity to forgive for the sake of my peace. Subsequently, this doesn’t mean you can be in close proximity to me and mental space; we can be cordial from a distance instead.
Furthermore, it is simply not okay to be blaming women for the shortcomings of a man’s behaviour. For example, a woman explaining all of her dating experiences resulting in the woman being painted as the “common denominator”. I am not negating the fact that in general when it comes to dating we should be wary of any red flags or problematic traits to terminate the situation. HOWEVER, this doesn’t mean that it is okay for a man to display trash tendencies and not treat someone’s daughter with respect. Just because I’ve given you a chance to get to know me/date me does not give you the excuse to be a trash bucket like you weren’t raised with manners and sense. I’m not responsible if you decide that you wanted to be disrespectful to me.
Lastly, I find it disrespectful when a woman gets the blame for her partner cheating or her failed dating experiences. If you cheat on your partner you have no respect for your relationship, therefore, your partner shouldn’t be blamed for you being pushed over the edge to cheat. You made that conscious decision to sleep with someone else who isn’t your partner, you were not held at gunpoint or your family member kidnapped and held at ransom for you to do all of that madness. You cheated unprovoked and you lied unprovoked don’t you go around blaming her! Not only is the act of cheating selfish but the audacity to pin it on your partner instead of assessing why you did it is a farce. Own your mistake with your chest and face the consequences albeit a break-up, reconciliation or even divorce.
All in all, I’m not responsible for you taking an active decision to act disrespectful or even commit a crime so you WILL be held accountable for your actions. The same energy given to women to heal and reflect on why bad things have happened to them at the hands of a man, said men should assess why they go around acting the way they do. Also, stop telling women to heal and get over things that are offending and hurting them; voicing their thoughts is a way for them to heal so who are you to dictate how one should do so?
Until next time
Chi xo
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