Hello all, today I’m here to talk about what’s been going on with me and touch upon the topic of moving into a new season of your life and my honest views about what has gone on with me behind the scenes over the past couple of months. Starting a new chapter whether it be a new job, a degree, a business can be a very exciting process especially if it is something you prayed for ages ago. However, I will be honest that the lead up to me starting my latest venture of education wasn’t the smoothest.
This post was sparked by some specific incidents that took place before me moving up which involved me evaluating certain relationships and my individual behaviour pertaining to my “love” life. As you know from my It’s Not You: Unfiltered post, I started going to therapy because of the effect my break up had on me both mentally and emotionally. So upon going to therapy, I must say that I have been learning and trying to understand my habits and why I think and act the way I do in said dating situations. With the help of my therapist I’ve realised that I tend to not put myself first to the point where I am subconsciously trying to compromise to fit in with the guy wants when I know deep down, I have my own expectations and standards. Not everyone can meet my standards and expectations it’s not their fault that I have them HOWEVER if they don’t meet them it doesn’t mean that I have to you know to stick around when I feel like they’re not being met. I feel like I knew that I was going to venture off to start this new season of my life, therefore, I have to start being more intentional with my time, attention and where I choose to expend my energy. Sadly, if that means I have to cease contact or even cut off a friendship with somebody which I was own close with then so be it because, at the end of the day, my in my inner peace and peace of mind comes first. This also means that I cannot afford to hold on to old habits fro a previous season and take them into a new one because the end result will be the same just a different location.
I had a conversation with one of my girls where we both discussed the reality that unfortunately not everyone can join you at every stage of your life. You go to start a new season and some people from your old season cannot come to join you simply because they won’t fit in that plan. The months of September and October I have always associated it with a fresh start in terms of the academic year. Yet due to the circumstances of my love life, instead of being 100% excited to start my PhD, I saw it more like an escape to no longer be in close proximity to my problems. Even when my therapist asked me about how I am feeling about starting my PhD, I couldn’t help but express relief that I get to distance myself from individuals that they can never disturb me again. However, even though I have moved to a whole new city my problems won’t just disappear. Sure I am not around those people but I still need to go through the healing process both mentally and emotionally.
As you can imagine, the problems in my life have a put a strain on my relationship with God simply because I haven’t made God a priority like I used to do. However, the idea of putting myself first for me also means working on my relationship with God. I generally do feel like I’ve been pulling a Jonah act for the longest time and I am at the point where the running must cease. Eventually, Jonah had to do a U-turn after getting swallowed up by a whale and go to where God originally sent him. I will be real and say straight up that certain experiences this year I felt like I too have been swallowed up and regurgitated and I just can’t anymore. I know there’s a bigger calling for me and that I have a purpose in my life and you know what I have chosen to see my PhD as an opportunity to hone in on this!
Starting this PhD has not been a straightforward road for me; my close friends and family can testify that I wanted to throw the whole dream in the bin because of a fear of finances. I won’t sit here and act like self-funding a PhD is easy it’s not especially when you have other financial issues coming to bite you. In particular, I feel like I took a mighty leap of faith without having every single detail down to a tee. But nonetheless, the whole reason that I didn’t defer mt entry for the second year in a row was the fact that as much as I am anxious about provision I know that God will provide for me. I mean the fact that my accommodation is pretty much covered for the whole duration because of my Hall Mentor position is no coincidence and a huge weight off my shoulders. The fact that I am a 1st-year student in a position simply because of the kindness of my supervisor can only be God’s doing. As much as my relationship with God has been strained by my life problems, my faith and belief in Him will always remain no matter what. Even in the face of adversity celebrating the small wins can do wonders for the mind.
Overall, this new academic venture is one of the most exciting yet scariest things I have ever done. Some days I am excited and other days I get anxious about finances and weirdly enough dating. However, deep down under all of my worries, I see this next chapter as a great time for emotional and mental solitude to avoid draining and potentially toxic situations. I am navigating this PhD one step at a time and I do not have it all together but I can feel in my gut that it will be a special journey of self-discovery and learning.
Until next time,